In the meadows.jpg

Dutchyyy

Debbie.

Self Dialog

The Workaround

Dedicated to my late mother... whom, like myself, always felt at peace at night when the world was quiet and peaceful.

 Debbie - (May 1st, 1953 - August 19th 2016)

Tracklist:
1.) Nocturnalis I 
2.) Nocturnalis II 
3.) Nocturnalis III 
4.) Debbie. 

Backstory,

   I was living in Los Angeles when my mother Debbie got sick in August of 2016.  She was the text case of a hypochondriac so when she told me,  I basically told her to walk it off in a nice motivational way.  A few days passed and she was admitted to the hospital.  My family all told me the Doctors said she would be fine.  At the time,  I just started a job doing master QC for Netflix.  I was on a probationary period,  living on my friend Josh's couch (Sunjet/Josh Jetson) and didn't even have enough money to get back and forth to work yet,  so my mom would paypal the little money she had to help. A few days passed and mom had to be intubated. Obviously things were more serious than my family led them to be.  My heart was heavy.  I just started this amazing job making $120/hour and all I wanted was to fly home and see my mother,  but my family insisted I focus on the Job my mom was so proud I landed and that it was in my best interest not to see her like this and that the doctors said she will be fine. 2 days later,  My probationary period ended and I finally started getting paid.   I was at work trying to keep my calm & stay positive by listening to [Redacted Sample] on repeat. My phone abruptly rang and when I picked up  my brother was crying his eyes out.   My heart dropped, He couldn't form many words so He put me on the phone with the doctor. They wanted my permission to take her off life support. At this point, I'm shell-shocked because the last time I spoke with my family, they downplayed how serious her condition was. The doctor passed the phone to someone specialized in breaking this type of news to people and she tried her hardest to comfort me and advise me that taking her off life support was the best option and what the rest of the family already had come to terms with, but I refused..  My mother was full of love and empathy & equal fear, doubt, trauma and doom,  she felt this world too deeply and it was difficult for her. As much as she loved us,  she always had a hard time navigating through this world (The same goes for myself and my brother,  we feel things deeply and always feel out of place).   I was listening to [Redacted Sample] when I got the phone call that my mother wasn't going to make it. A song once used to help calm and center me now had this traumatic energy attached to it.  I told my job what was happening and they told me to take a few days off to process.  The next day,  I got an email from my Job saying do not come into work before calling.  Apparently,  it was against policy to take pictures in the building, and I had posted a picture of me at my desk on twitter when i got 1st got hired saying verbatim - "thank you universe for 2nd chances,  I am eternally grateful"  - With regret in their voice,  they had to terminate me immediately.  It was a zero tolerance policy.  My boss was crying telling me this, because they grew fond of me during my short time with them and I was very very good at my job, plus they knew what I was dealing with, but it was flagged by someone very high up in the chain and no exceptions could be made.  My heart was smashed, I worked so hard to get that job and my mother and family were so proud of me.  I didn't know how to break the news to them.  I just kinda fell to pieces, paralyzed in the motel room I was in.  40 minutes later I got the call.   My mother had passed.  August 19, 2016.      I was on the next flight back to Tampa Bay to help take care of my family and became super numb.  The first time I touched music,  I decided to flip the [Redacted Sample].   I did it very fast,  didn't overthink or mix it down,  just quickly flipped the sample and uploaded it to soundcloud titled "...."  The following year on mothers day 2017,  I revisited the o.g. sample and made 2 more flips dedicated to her.  Nocturnalis I, II  and I also recorded a freestyle over one of them (that didn't make it to the ep).  One year later on mothers day 2018,  I revisited it one last time and created Nocturnalis I.
  
 I haven't ever truly recovered from losing my mother. I was immediately thrust into turmoil. My big heart grew cold. The defensive walls I built after such a traumatic experience have never really gone away to this day. I've been in survival mode ever since. I've never officially dropped an album since, like I'm protesting Finality.  The crazy thing is, I've made more music from 2017-present, than I made from 1995-2016.  Multiple unreleased albums, changed my entire creative process to real time, one take documentation as a form of therapy to be more in line with "The Reluctant Clap" (DailyRambles) Freestyle Series and "LongStoryShort" my one take improv ambient/jazz series and began "Evolving Portals" and just never stopped. Earlier this year I was encouraged to release a huge body of work that wasn't created with the intent of being heard publicly. I guess "The Reluctant Clap" (Chapter V) would be my first official album release since, which exists on Supercollector, So releasing this EP here makes sense to me.  I hope one day to feel light and at peace again, and I hope wherever you are mom.  You are finally at peace. I love you and miss you so much, you always loved my spacey, sleepy, mellow music, so I know you would sleep to these on repeat.  
Eternally,
Your Son,
Dutch.


Sidenote:
I used to fight with my mother constantly about engaging on my music posts on facebook with personal stuff.  I was pretty mean about it, and it wasn't until after she passed that I found out she created a secret tumblr account ( https://hopefulninja.tumblr.com/ ) so she could keep up with what I was doing and show love.  I cried pretty hard when I found it, cus she just wanted to support me and I was too worried about supporters/fans, seeing a bunch of personal stuff or stalking her page. I had no idea she was on tumblr. I just teared up looking at that page again haha. Fast forward to present day,  The entire social media space is ruled by engagement, sometimes i feel like karma is haunting me on twitter when i post all this art i'm proud of with nearly 3k followers, and maybe 4 people consistently show up (if they see it) You really don't know what you have till it's gone. 

Mother_Nocturnalis_EP_-_Dutchyyy_-_cover.jpg

dEBBIE.mp3

"Mother" (Nocturnalis) EP

Nocturnalis I.wav

Nocturnalis I.mp3

Nocturnalis I

Dutchyyy - Mother (Nocturnalis) EP - 02 Nocturnalis II.wav

Dutchyyy - Mother (Nocturnalis) EP - 02 Nocturnalis II.mp3

Nocturnalis II

Dutchyyy - Mother (Nocturnalis) EP - 03 Nocturnalis III.wav

Dutchyyy - Mother (Nocturnalis) EP - 03 Nocturnalis III.mp3

Nocturnalis III

dEBBIE.wav

WORLDBUILDING/BACKSTORY/CONTEXT:

Let's Begin...

   Every single word spoken in the "DailyRambles" Series (2015-2022) is 1000% Freestyle. Every beat I produced on Chapter V was also created in real time, one take (Evolving Portals) Documenting the present. Improv, in the moment, spontaneous, off the dome freestyle. I have to over explain to ensure it's understood not a single thought or word was written because the term "Freestyle" has changed over the years and doesn't hold the same meaning it once did when I began freestyling late 1994 or keystyling in aol chat rooms in 1995, The term freestyle lost its original meaning and became a loophole for releasing a written track via mixtapes and stuff like that. This series is pure, in the moment freestyle. None of which was ever intended to be heard publicly. My Private creative sandbox / diary to have fun & experiment with being 100% present in the unknown. Due to the lack of pressure often that comes with releasing music into the world. The Peace I had, knowing all of these would never reach human ears other than my own created this perfect utopia of being able to bob and weave in and out of being silly and having fun, flowing from gibberish to super stream of conscious flow state introspective, venting and being completely vulnerable. The Series didn't begin with this intention though. Chapter I (2015-2016) began after purchasing the Tascam DR-05 field recorder with the intention of writing to all the beats I collected from my favorite producers in case I ever decided to write and record a new Dutchmassive album. That intention was swiftly derailed by how much fun I was having being mobile, out in public and finally having the ability to record in real time, over a beat any and everywhere other than stuck in doors.  While Chapter I was me freestyling over beats I always intended to write to.  The Series took a turn and evolved moving forward beginning with Chapter II (2017).  I became really addicted to being creative in the moment and wanted to challenge myself.  So I reached out to my favorite producers to send me batches of beats, I would not listen to them at all until they were loaded up into the Tascam. The first time you are hearing the beat, was the first time I was hearing the beat. My thought process at the time was, If the right beat came on that could finally inspire me to sit and write, I would know immediately based on how my voice fit or how moved I was to take it seriously.  Blindly Freestyling and adapting to beats in real time meant there were going to be beats I don't like, or I may like but know my voice isn't suited for, so when those would pop up, you could hear me acting more silly, altering my voice to match the beat. To add an extra layer of challenge, 95% of the daily rambles series is recorded outside in public.  Parks, Beaches, everywhere. In Chapter I, they were all recorded outside but I tried my hardest to find places no humans were. So most were recorded super late at night walking around.  Chapter II, I wasn't in a location where no humans around was as easy so I leaned into.  Which is why you can hear my whisper, ramble, while reacting to what's happening in real time.  Being at the park, in the zone,  when 3 soccer moms pushing strollers pass looking at me like I was crazy haha, Judgmental staring from men in business suits. I used this as therapy to get over my fear of overcrowded surroundings after spending an extended period in magical secluded isolation on a nature preserve in upstate NY. It was fun and healing.  By Chapter III, I attempted to record rambles in my house. Something that was harder than it sounds because my house was the corner lot, and a very busy road with heavy traffic and the mic would pick up the cars zooming by. but I attempted it and it was a dope change of pace, being able fully project my voice, being extra silly and at ease enough to be super vulnerable.
You'll notice a theme from Chapter I - V where I subtly speak on my health, and give myself pep talks.  I was going through crazy health changes I did not understand and was embarrassed to talk about publicly.  By Chapter IV, My health became much more severe, as did my natural self preservation coping mechanism of giving myself pep talks or being sarcastic making light of it all. With fears of 6 figure surgery that had 80+ % chance of permanent facial paralysis, I freestyled my little heart out in access, and even considered possibly making all the freestyles public, just not attached to my name.  Thus the alias "The Reluctant Clap" was born.   The Reluctant Clap had multiple meanings for me, these private whisper freestyles were my way of expressing during a time where If I sat down and wrote, I would be calling out the insane B.S. happening in the world and in my life in general, but I held back.  Also speaks to how so many people are secretly fans of your art, but in the age of algorithms, it's not cool to applaud your inspirations publicly. Towards the end of Chapter IV, My health got way more scary, and my rambles reflected this, by December 2019 my Last contract working at the Harlem Hospital in NY, The Physician I was teaching saw I could barely stand, and asked all my symptoms and told me to go to the ER immediately when I returned to Tampa. I explained I lost health insurance after moving back to Florida, and he taught me a work around.  Told me to wait exactly 61 days after receiving my last paycheck, and I would be able to get seen without fear of going into medical debt for the rest of my life. I was 2 weeks away from day 61,  went out in public for the last time toward the end of February with my good friend and fellow producer Lofidel, felt hopeful and happy and as soon as he left, I stayed and walked the streets next to the ocean and recorded what would become the last Freestyles before the world would change,  A week later, Lockdown. Extreme fear,  The Physicians I taught contacted me and told me this is very serious and avoid going anywhere near a hospital until this passes.      August 2020.  After receiving an eviction notice from my house (my career traveling the states teaching at hospitals was obviously not possible) so with plans to move back up to NY or Los Angeles, I received a call from uncle demanding I move in with 90+ grandmother as she wasn't handling being alone during the pandemic well at all. Which brings us to Chapter V (2020-2022) I did everything humanly possible to course correct my health on my own, while being super productive musically, streaming on twitch constantly, learning defi, creating a virtual avatar to stream with that controls Ableton Live since being on camera was not possible in my condition and it was important for me to world build and make the experience unique and special., and I pushed through silently pretending, masking pain through productivity until my symptoms reached a level I could not pretend anymore. I lost the ability to sit up in chairs, was rendered to existing sideways on the floor, always in pain, and put that pain into music to heal. I had zero control over my body, and became impossible to hide so I isolated from every community, left every discord, stopped streaming and began preparing and archiving my entire creative body of work 1995-present to put on USB drives, while learning about global markets and defi and trying to find a way to bring myself back to a baseline normal life, without having to burden anyone with how severe my health is, and it's just kept and keeps getting worse. I still manage to make light of it and try to remain positive, but at times you feel reality creep through. I never intended to release these publicly, as health turned much worse, I kinda leaned into doing these publicly, A Few were done live on IG or Twitch, while making the beats live at the same time. But I never intended to release the whole series due to the pride of people not understanding the context around gibberish freestyle of thinking they are written thought out songs. Thanks to a little push and perspective from @cxy I was convinced that this series is probably my most important body of work across my 30 year career and to be brave and courageous.  So here I am, Reluctantly oversharing, finally committing.   I present to you, "The Reluctant Clap" (DailyRambles)

For further context, If you are interested, nearly all my records on Catalog Works across both artist pages "Dutchyyy" & "Dutchmassive" have extensive backstories detailing events and emotions around songs created throughout my 3 decade creative journey. Chapter I through IV will exist there as well. Scrolling through my I.G. provides further context. I know in the age of short form content, and fragmented social media bursts of communication, the deep dive experience is not something most will do. I won't always be here to add further context so I'm fighting to secure a Legacy I've dedicated my entire life span to. For those who wish to absorb more context / lore / backstory / world building...

PeacePeaceGawd.com

Will serve as your link in bio that will navigate you to the places you are interested in most.  I'm also an open book, which is a 180 degrees turn from the elusive mystery I tried so hard to retain for decades, leaving only my art to communicate my story in whatever context it was received.  Don't Hesitate to reach out with questions.

Love & Light.
PeacePeaceGawd
Dutch
Dutchyyy
Dutchmassive

The Reluctant Clap: Chapter V [2020-2022] DailyRambles (Tascam DR-05 Freestyles)

01. "The Workaround" - Prod by Yimello
02. "Self Dialog" - Prod by thxk_u
03. "Marked as Safe" - Prod by thxk_yu
04. "A.O.L. Chatrooms" - Prod by edac
05. "Noise Pollution" - Prod by Vinny Cuzns
06. "Muted" - Prod by Elaquent
07. "10x12" - Prod by WonPound
08. "Lame Energy Thesis" - Prod by Rnd1
09. "Day" - Prod by Rnd1
10. "Breakin' Atoms" - Prod By adamshmadam
11. "Session View" - Produced By Dutchyyy
12. "wUnderwhealming" - Prod by edac
13. "A Smarter Contract" - Prod by edac
14. "Exit Strategy"  - Prod by edac
15. "Gardening" (The Stone Evolved) - Prod by Dutchyyy
16. "He Solo'd It" - Prod by Dutchyyy
17. "Evolving Eternity" (ACT I) - Prod by Dutchyyy
18. "Eternally, Internal" (ACT II) - Prod by Dutchyyy
19. "The Eternal Now" (ACT III) - Prod by Dutchyyy
20. "The Enemy of Eternity" (ACT IV) - Prod by Dutchyyy
21. "I Need Portals" - Prod by Dutchyyy
22. "Hopus Copium Opus" - Prod by Dutchyyy
23. "We're Special" - Prod by Dutchyyy
24. "The Long Cold Hot Take" (Eulogy) - Prod by Dutchyyy
25. "The Reluctant Clap" - Prod by Dutchyyy
26. "I Sense Danger" (Act I) - Prod by Thoto_Leing
27. "I See Danger (Act II) - Prod by Dutchyyy
28. "Context > Content" (Act III) - Prod by Dutchyyy